St Silouan the Athonite
Remember two thoughts and fear them. One says: you are a saint; the other: you will not be saved. Both these thoughts are from the enemy, and there is no truth in them. But you, think this: I am a great sinner, but the Lord is merciful; He loves men greatly and will forgive me my sins. Believe this, and so it will be: the Lord will forgive you. Do not trust in your ascetic feats, however much you may struggle. One ascetic tells me: “I shall certainly be pardoned, because every day I make so-and-so many prostrations.” But when death came, he tore his clothes. So it is not for our feats but by His grace that the Lord God has mercy on us. The Lord wants the soul to be humble and to forgive everyone with love. Then the Lord too forgives it with joy. The Lord loves all, and we must imitate Him, we must love all; and if we are weak, we must ask: the Lord will not refuse us, and will help us with His grace. While I was still on my obedience I came to know the love of God. It is indescribable. The soul feels that it is in God and with God, and it rejoices, though the body grows faint from God's grace; but this grace can be lost through a single bad thought. Along with bad thoughts the enemy's power enters into us; then a man feels he is perishing and sees that the grace of God is no longer in him, and without it he is sinful, feeble earth.
The soul that has come to know God learns through much experience that if a man lives according to the commandments, then, though only in small measure, he still feels grace and has boldness in prayer; but if he sins even by a single thought, grace hides itself, and the soul weeps before God. So all its life the soul wages war with thoughts; do not lose heart in the warfare. The Lord loves brave warriors. Evil thoughts torment the proud soul, and until it becomes humble it will not understand, will not find peace. When bad thoughts come at you, cry out to God like Adam: “O Lord, my Creator, my soul is tormented by bad thoughts... have mercy on me.” And when you stand before the King, remember firmly that every request of yours, if it is profitable, will be heard.
A cloud came and covered the sun, and it grew dark. So too through one bad thought the soul loses grace, and darkness takes hold of it. And likewise through one humble thought grace comes again. I have tried this on myself. Know that if your thoughts lean toward people — who lives how — this is a sign of pride. Be attentive. Watch yourself and you will see: as soon as the soul exalts itself above a brother, a bad thought follows close behind, one not pleasing to God, and through this the soul is humbled. And if it is not humbled, a small temptation will come; if it is still not humbled, then the warfare of fornication will begin; if it remains so, it will fall into some small sin; and if even then it is not humbled, there will be a great sin. And so it will go on in sins until it acquires humility. But as soon as it repents, the merciful God will give it peace and compunction. And after that, hold on to humility with all your strength; if you do not, you will fall into sins again.
Seeing that the soul is not established in humility, the Lord takes grace away from it; but do not lose heart over this: grace is in you, but hidden. Accustom yourself to drive away thoughts quickly, and if you forgot and did not drive them away at once, repent. Labour at this, so as to acquire the habit. The soul has habits: what you accustom it to, you will go on doing all your life. You will ask me: how does this happen? It is like this: as a living man feels when it is hot and when it is cold, so a man who has come to know by experience, by the experience of the Holy Spirit, feels when there is grace in his soul and when evil spirits are approaching. The Lord gives the soul understanding to recognize His coming, and the soul loves Him and does the Lord's will. In the same way the soul recognizes thoughts from the enemy not by their outward look but by their effect on the soul. This is known by experience, and whoever has no experience is easily deceived by the enemies. The enemy fell through pride, and he draws us the same way. They bring us thoughts of praise. If the soul accepts praise, grace withdraws until the soul becomes humble... And so all his life a man must learn the humility of Christ, and until he has learned it, the soul will not know rest from thoughts and will not be able to pray with a pure mind. Whoever wants to pray purely must not know any newspaper news, must not read bad books or be curious about other people's lives. All this brings many impure thoughts into the mind, and when a man wants to sort them out, they entangle and wear out the soul more and more. When the soul learns love from the Lord, then it pities the whole world, every creature of God; then it prays that all men may repent and receive the grace of the Holy Spirit. But if the soul loses grace, love departs from it, for without the grace of God it is impossible to love one's enemies, and then evil thoughts come out of the heart, as the Lord says (Matt. 15:19).
Know well: if bad thoughts torment you, it means you are not humble. The Lord said: “Learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls” (Matt. 11:29). Without the humility of Christ the soul will never be at peace in God, but will always be in turmoil from various thoughts that hinder it from contemplating God. Blessed is he who has acquired humility, for he has found perfect rest in God. To this day I ask the Lord every day for humility; by the Holy Spirit I have come to know that there is such a thing as the humility of Christ, and I thirst to acquire it. O humility of Christ! Whoever has sensed you strives toward God insatiably day and night.
Oh, how weak I am. I have written a little and am already tired; the body seeks rest. The Lord too, on earth, in the body, felt human weakness. He, the Merciful One, grew weary from the road, and slept in the boat during the storm, and when His disciples woke Him, He commanded the sea and the wind to be still, and there was a great calm. So too in the soul, when we call on the holy name of the Lord, there will be a great calm. O Lord, grant us to praise Thee to our last breath. A man falls into delusion either through inexperience or through pride. If through inexperience, the Lord heals him soon; but if through pride, the soul will have to suffer long, until it learns humility, and then the Lord will heal it. We fall into delusion when we think we are wiser and more experienced than our spiritual father. That is what I thought in my inexperience, and I suffered for it. I thank the Lord greatly that by this He gave me humility and did not take away His mercy. Now I think that without confession to a spiritual father it is impossible to free oneself from delusion, because to them (to spiritual fathers) power has been given by God to bind and to loose.
If you see a light within you or outside you, do not trust it unless there is also compunction toward God and love for your neighbour in you together with it; but do not be afraid; humble yourself, and the light will vanish. If you see some vision, or an image, or a dream, do not trust it, for if it is from God, the Lord Himself will make it known to you. A soul that has not come to know the Holy Spirit cannot tell where a vision comes from. The enemy sometimes gives the soul a sweetness mixed with vainglory. The fathers say that when the soul sees a vision from the enemy, it feels disturbance. But this is only the humble soul, which does not think itself worthy of visions; under the enemy's action it feels either disturbance or fear; but the vainglorious soul may feel neither fear nor disturbance, because it wants visions and thinks itself worthy of them. That is why the enemy easily deceives it. Heavenly things are known by the Holy Spirit, and earthly things by the mind; but whoever wants to know God with his own mind from science is in delusion, for God is known only by the Holy Spirit. If you see demons with your mind, humble yourself and try not to see them; hurry to your spiritual father or to the elder who guides you. Tell everything to your spiritual father, and then the Lord will have mercy on you and free you from delusion. But if you think that in the spiritual life you know more than your spiritual father, and do not tell him in confession what is happening in you, then delusion will certainly be permitted to come upon you to bring you to your senses. Fight the enemy with humility. When you see that another mind is fighting against your mind, humble yourself, and the warfare will stop. If it happens that you see demons, do not be afraid, and they will vanish; but if fear takes hold of you, you will not escape harm. Be brave. Remember that the Lord is watching to see whether you have hope in Him. If you have fallen into delusion and want to be freed from it, do not despair, for the Lord loves men and will grant you amendment; and you will have rest from the thoughts the enemy brings; but for the soul to find peace, you must be humble and say: “I am the worst of all, worse than every beast and brute.” You must also make a clean confession to your spiritual father, and then the demons will flee.
As people go in and out of a house, so thoughts from the demons come and go away again if you do not accept them. If a thought says to you, “Steal,” and you listen to it, by this you give the demon power over yourself. If a thought says, “Eat a lot, eat your fill,” and you eat a lot, again you let the demon rule over you. So little by little the thought of every passion will take possession of you, and you will become a lodging for demons; but if you accept the repentance that is needed, they will flee. When we weep over our sins and humble ourselves, we have no visions, and the soul does not want them; but when we give up weeping and humility, then we are carried away by them. I did not know why contrition is needed if the Lord has forgiven your sins; but later I understood that whoever has no contrition cannot stay in humility, for the evil spirits are proud, they suggest pride to us, while the Lord teaches us humility and love, and through this peace enters the soul. In the warfare you must be brave. The Lord said to the prophet Jeremiah: “Go, preach, and be brave, or I will punish you” (Jer. 1:17). The Lord loves a brave and wise soul; and if we have neither the one nor the other, we must ask God and obey our spiritual fathers: the grace of the Holy Spirit lives in them. Above all, a man whose mind has been damaged by the action of demons must not trust himself but must listen to his spiritual father. Afflictions of the soul come upon us from pride, while bodily ones are often permitted by God out of love for us, as happened to Job. It is hard to recognize pride in ourselves. But here are the signs: if enemies attack you, or bad thoughts torment you, it means there is no humility in you; so, even though you do not see your pride, humble yourself all the same. If you are irritable, that is, if you are on edge, that is real trouble. For one who suffers from these attacks, the sickness is healed by humility, repentance, and love for one's brother and for one's enemy.
