Conversation with one's neighbour
Every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment (Matt. 12:36).
What is an “idle” word?
“Idle” means superfluous, unneeded, not called for by necessity.
Why, then, does the Lord speak with such severity of the account to be given for an idle word? It seems to us such an insignificant thing!
But the point is that in the being and state of a Christian there is no intermediate, carefree condition. It is one of two things: either he is in the Holy Spirit — doing his works in holiness and speaking according to the will of God; or, on the contrary, he is in bondage to his enemy (the devil) and does his will in deed and in word.
And the evil one will not let slip the chance to put a drop of his serpent's venom into our words, even though at first sight there seemed to be nothing blameworthy in them.
But if we examine these “idle” words in our conversations carefully, we can find in them the leaven of many passions — haughtiness, pride, enmity and judging of our neighbour, the showing of little faith, envy and so on. Every such word is hateful to God and is therefore a sin.
St Antony the Great writes that “nothing so quenches the Holy Spirit (in a Christian) as idle conversation.”
At the same time, one may notice that time is wasted in conversation all the more when many people take part in it. Heartfelt conversations that console, encourage and feed the soul are, as a rule, dialogues.
In such a case a third person in the conversation more often than not hinders openness and creates awkwardness. Not for nothing do the Japanese have the saying: “Where more than two people are talking, the time is wasted.”
Only in a conversation between two can the soul give itself wholly to the other, come into close touch with his soul, warm it with attention, love and sympathy, share his grief with him, and share with him its own courage, faith and joy in life.
This is how the elders serve the world. This is how every Christian soul that has in some measure acquired love, faith, peace and spiritual courage should imitate them.
Here is one more circumstance to which we pay no attention in conversation.
We talk peaceably with our neighbour, tell him about our affairs, pass on the news, and so on.
Let there be nothing evil in this at all; still, if this conversation answered no necessity and we were not guided by good feelings — of consolation, of sympathy for our neighbour, of a wish to teach him something useful, to give him good advice, to pass on to him information he needs, and so on — then we have robbed both him and ourselves, and squandered both his talent and ours (time!)
That is why, according to the counsels of the holy fathers, in every necessary conversation with people we should keep our words brief and shun useless much speaking.
As Father Alexander Elchaninov writes: “Between spiritual growth and much speaking there is an inverse proportion. It is easy and tempting to replace spiritual effort with chatter. In this lies the temptation of all ‘teaching.’ Therefore, before we tell our neighbour anything, we should consider whether this story will enrich our neighbour spiritually and whether he truly needs to know it for some serious reason?
As the holy elder Barsanuphius of Optina used to say: “In paradise there are many redeemed sinners, but not a single chatterer.”
In telling something, one should leave out every useless detail and try to take as little of the other person's time and attention as possible. Brevity is the great virtue of speech.
As Elder Parthenius of Kiev used to say, “much speaking drives away grace and destroys the fervour of the soul.”
As everyone knows, long conversations can be tiring and should be avoided; but if they are necessary, they should be conducted unhurriedly, with unceasing remembrance of God and with a peaceful disposition of soul. This will keep us from excessive weariness.
A Christian should be careful about telling jokes, and avoid those that insult anyone, that mock one's neighbour or those in authority, or that sin against chastity.
A jest is fitting only when it cheers others and guards them against despondency, sadness, weariness and the like.
Likewise, in conversation we should try to turn sinful topics (for instance, judging, or a story insulting to a neighbour, and so on) or useless ones toward spiritual topics (when talking with believers), or at least toward topics profitable to our neighbour.
On the need for the greatest caution in conversation, St Niphon of Constantinople writes thus: “Whoever does not keep a constant guard over his lips will gain no profit at all, even if he fasts for a whole year.”
In talking with others, what matters is not only what we said, but also how, and with what feeling, we spoke to them.
One can wound a neighbour not only with words but also with the tone of one's voice, with the manner in which the words are spoken. Beneath the latter lies hidden the feeling that prompted the words. This feeling comes from the heart and can either warm with love, kindness and tenderness, or, on the contrary, insult without a blow being struck.
On the other hand, it is only by kind and gentle words spoken to others that we can acquire spiritual “capital.”
The father of one Christian woman was distinguished in life by uncommon goodness, and he never failed to accompany his help to people with kindness.
After his death he appeared to his daughter in a dream and said to her: “Do you know that every kind word spoken in our lifetime serves eternity?”
The holy elder Ambrose of Optina sometimes called certain of his spiritual children “fools,” but this name, insulting in itself, not only did not insult them but warmed and gladdened the hearts of those who heard it. They heard in it the love with which the elder's heart was filled toward them and which shone in his eyes.
That is why the apostle Paul wrote: “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal” (1 Cor. 13:1).
In the words of St Tikhon of Zadonsk, “love knows how to find the words by which a neighbour can be built up. It shows the way, it guides the mind and the tongue, and this work does not require eloquent words.”
Thus the chief requirement of our words in conversation is that they come from a heart filled with love for our neighbour. And when a word is “seasoned with salt” by love, a man cannot sin, even if outwardly the word does not look faultless.
And conversely, we can inflict hurt, insult and humiliation on our neighbour even by an outwardly proper and harmless word, if in our soul there is haughtiness toward him and a wish to insult and humble him.
The word should be imbued not only with love, but also with humility before one's neighbour, deep faith in God, hope in His Providence, wisdom, sound discernment and the other virtues. Such a word will draw one's neighbour, soften his heart, plant in him faith and hope in God — it will purify and lift up his soul.
Here we arrive at a position already accepted earlier. When the soul is healthy and the heart is pure, when the Holy Spirit of God dwells in a Christian, he will also have a grace-filled, good word that serves the profit of men.
We should make it our habit, in conversation with others, to speak not about our own affairs and interests but about theirs. In this way we shall fulfil the counsel of the apostle Paul: “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep” (Rom. 12:15) and “We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves” (Rom. 15:1).
By our support and sympathy we can lighten a neighbour's sorrow, help him with advice, share our experience and knowledge.
But idle talk about ourselves and our affairs bears witness to our conceit, our haughtiness and the selfish bent of our soul, to attention fixed on ourselves and our own interests (“egocentrism” or “autoeroticism”).
All this, however, does not apply to cases when we ourselves need advice and are seeking consolation and encouragement from those who are above us in spirit.
Clearly, in our conversations we must also remember the Lord's instruction: “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you” (Matt. 7:6).
It follows that in conversation you should take careful account of the other person's spiritual age, spiritual state and every kind of spiritual particularity.
The holy elders Barsanuphius the Great and John say: “You must consider whom you are speaking to. When you know that the listener is profiting, speak with him; otherwise, do not speak.”
St Seraphim of Sarov pointed to the same thing, saying: “With a natural man you should speak of human things; but with a man who has a spiritual mind you should speak of heavenly things. In the world you should not speak of spiritual matters, especially when a person shows not even a desire to listen.”
We especially, who live in a time of mass falling away from the faith, should remember this counsel. Archimandrite John writes of it thus: “Sometimes one is ashamed before God to speak about Him to people. In the world they understand instinctively that, in the state in which they constantly live, it is less of a sin to be silent about Christ than to speak of Him.
And people are silent about God. A terrible symptom. The world is flooded with legions of words, man's tongue is possessed by these empty legions — and not one word, almost not one word is heard about God, the beginning, the end and the centre of all things.”
One should also remember what the Optina elders said: that miracles may be told of only to believers.
But at the same time, as Father Alexander Elchaninov writes, “do not hide your faith too much from your companions. You may unexpectedly come across people who are sympathetic, who ask questions, who are interested. In a word, do not try to hide your true self under a frivolous and empty common mask.”
Moreover, we may not turn our backs on a neighbour because we know something blameworthy about him. Openness of heart toward all is a Christian's duty.
“Do not say heartless words: ‘I have nothing in common with him,’ — writes St John Chrysostom. — We have nothing in common with the devil, but with every man we have much in common.”
And Archbishop Arseny (Chudovskoy) says: “When you see a fallen, wretched man, do not feel disgust for him; rather, at that moment be kindled with anger against the enemy of the human race, by whom the man is held captive to this passion or that; but look upon the man himself with love, kindness and warmth of heart, and think thus in your mind: I too could find myself in this state, if the enemy should take me captive with this passion.”
