The monk John
(The author of this article is a monk who struggles abroad. This publication was written first of all for those people who wish to be delivered from the sickness of drug addiction but find it hard to make the decision.)
Dependence upon a drug begins with fears and ends with fears. It is that state when the habit of getting a “high” from a drug already grows into a necessity. There arises in a man an unconquerable fear for his own survival! This fear holds within itself both shame and a sense of guilt. The feeling of shame has two sides: the man dependent upon the drug blames himself before other people (his parents, his family, those close to him), and at the same time he has the feeling: “I have deserved this” and “no one will forgive me; I shall not forgive myself this either”. It is precisely these two sides of the feeling of shame that show us the inward conflict which always accompanies a man dependent upon a drug.
A man fixed only upon the past, upon fear, no longer thinks at all about the future; the future does not exist for him. He is afraid to forgive himself the past; he is afraid of change. Instead of restoring the bond with his own “I”, he fills his inward powerlessness with the illusions of drugs. But in truth he must look fear in the eyes, forgive others and be reconciled with himself. This is the only means that will help a man to come out of this enchanted circle.
All this I have tried upon myself... It seemed to me that from a drug I could receive everything, or almost everything...
Dependence upon a drug, upon a narcotic, is the unconquerable desire for a careless life with the mind clouded.
At first you begin to think about how you wish to spend your time, and in such a way that you are not “found out”. You pay attention to your appearance, you try to keep anyone from noticing that you are “high”. You take care not to be “burned” before those close to you and before acquaintances, so that no one may learn of it (your family, your school, your work, the police). You like that you are using. You enjoy amusing yourself “high”; your health is still in order, and everything seems well.
Yet sometimes, if you look deeply into yourself, you will understand that you have been using for a good while and that you need a larger and larger dose. But even this does not yet seem dangerous to you.
In the end you become aware that this has already become a habit with you — a habit which you yourself watch over and govern. And even this is not yet frightening. But despite this, a certain feeling of being divided weighs upon you more and more; little by little this feeling turns into a constant tension, which leads you step by step to avoid every prohibition and every duty, which changes you as it were against your own wishes. Your relation to yourself and to the whole world is changed.
The way we use our organs of sense in perceiving the outward world influences our thinking and our inward experience. When by means of a drug we act upon our own organs of sense, little by little our inward experience is changed, and we live in an “altered reality”.
The stage of forming a habit has been passed, but it still seems to you that you yourself watch over everything. Time goes on; you use more often and in greater amount; the sphere of your interests, the circle of your acquaintances narrows little by little and becomes a particular one, directed towards obtaining inward comfort and calm by means of the drug.
Time spent without the drug already becomes discomfort for you; you are strained by the division which grows stronger and stronger in you and oppresses you. This division began when you stood before a choice: either I shall not taste the forbidden fruit (the drug), or at its cost I shall receive every kind of pleasure. You have already made your choice — you have taken the forbidden fruit.
You perceive yourself as though from the side; you have become a stranger to yourself, since it is easier to live so: you think less about your own conduct, which drives those close to you to despair. Estrangement, irritability, sharp excitability, or on the contrary sluggishness and weakness, become for you already the norm, become your usual state. The true cause of this you either do not yet recognise or carefully hide — and above all from yourself. Your unsuitable state is not understood by those close to you, for they know you well. One of them cannot restrain himself and tries to find out what is happening, what difficulties you have, in what way he might help you. Conflicts arise, arguments, shouting, estrangement, discord; and as a result you inwardly destroy your relations with those close to you. They ask you:
— “What is happening? What is the matter with you?”
You are silent. But in the depths of your heart you wish to cry out: “I have become another. I now know what a drug is. But I shall tell you nothing about it.” If they ask you: “What troubles you?” — you are silent again, but you wish to answer that you want the drug which you do not have. Therefore something must be done.
To the question: “Can I help you?” — you do not answer, but in your heart you think: “I simply need money. You had better leave me alone!”
You invent various stories, you lie, you want to lay everything upon another. You defend yourself, though there is no need of it at all. For these people love you, and when they “shower” you with questions, all they want is to be with you. You refuse their help, and in time you come to understand that you no longer need them either. And this is a great blow to those close to you: for they do not know of the changes that have taken place in you. You do violence to those who are around you. This violence grows and takes in more and more of those close to you.
— “I am weary of your care; leave me alone, there is nothing to worry about.”
Or again: “Everything is in order with me, I am simply overtired”...
“I am already a grown man.” These are your ready-made phrases. But a person's maturity is proved neither by the frequent repeating of these words nor even by age alone. A man is mature only when he can govern himself, when he is responsible for himself. Otherwise little children too love to “play at being grown up”, when they comically imitate their elders. In truth a person's maturity is shown in a sincere relation to people, in care for them and in helping them.
In a man dependent upon a drug the world-view and the power of perceiving the world are changed; real life no longer attracts him. Only after the injection does everything return to its place; only then does everything become beautiful and harmonious. But at that time you are only in an illusion and are exceedingly far from reality. Having almost lost your human powers, you become such an egoist that for the sake of this illusory pleasure you will betray anyone close to you, you will go to any sacrifice, for human relations lose all worth for you.
Because of your unreal perception of the world you depart wholly from the Lord. True human relations to the world and spiritual values become strange and needless to you; thus you lose what belongs to every man — to be a full member of the world and always to strive towards the Lord. By this you reject of your own will the greatest gift given by the Lord — the immortal soul, which can make you like the Lord and make you god by grace. For your own selfish aims you willingly destroy your own “I” and cut off the road that leads to salvation.
Sooner or later everything becomes plain to those close to you as well. And this foretells great misfortune for them. But you are already indifferent. Conflicts and misunderstandings go on. Willingly or unwillingly, by your conduct you cause those close to you great torment and make them wretched; and these conflicts cause great pain to you too.
The drug fills your whole life. At the next stage it is no longer a means of the “high”. You now need it only to be “in the norm”; therefore with your whole being you strive to obtain a new dose, to set your brain and your body in motion. If you do not halt this race by your own effort, if you do not break this enchanted circle, complete ruin is unavoidable.
From a man dependent upon a drug bodily illnesses are inseparable: hepatitis A, B and C, disease of the kidneys, cancer, ulcer, gastritis. The stomach cannot take food normally; venereal diseases and AIDS show themselves. All illusions collapse, which becomes unbearable. Depression is already your chief emotional state.
An altered reality, the loss of the bond with oneself, the defeat of the person, fear, the sense of guilt, shame, the fading of love, the failure to forgive oneself and others — this is the abyss of the man dependent upon a drug. Here the chief thing is now to make a decision: death or life, God or Satan. Even in the pauses free from the drug, if we do not understand the ruinousness of our state, it is possible that the going round in a circle will continue... Let us look fear in the eyes and take upon ourselves responsibility for everything and for all that we have done. Let us forgive everyone, for he who forgives another will himself be forgiven. It is true that it is very hard to see and to acknowledge one's own ruinous state and to make the decision to amend; but must this not happen some day?!
...I was in the very search for a way out of this nightmare when I met Him Who is greater than everything, greater than the whole world — I met the Lord, Who Himself is life. Him Who created all this and governs it. I understood that we are all His creatures, that I am His son, and that if I become His disciple, I shall have eternal life. If He is life, then by His mercy I can obtain life. I grieve terribly that every day I received the mercy and love of the Lord and exchanged them for the illusions of drugs, destroying myself. Forgive me, O Lord!
